As I go along in my life, I seem to come across, what you would call pot holes. These little bumps that sometimes get bigger and bigger. Until the road becomes so bumpy that I just ware down. Not only my body, but my spirit.
That is where I look at you for advice. Advice on how to be a better person. To love everyone, and not to have any hate. For I know that hate will end up filling my heart if I let that happen. But to give everyone Grace.
"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’”) And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known."—John 1:14-18
In my heart, I have forgiven everyone, except one person. The hardest one of them all....Myself. All these thoughts running through my head.
I wish I was a better person.
I wish I was more understanding.
I wish I didn't feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life.
I wish I wasn't so judgmental sometimes (on me a good amount of the time)
I wish I could be proud of myself.
I wish I was good enough.
I have so much worry. It just bottled up in this ball of mine. You know, kind of like the rubber band balls that you keep on adding and adding and it gets bigger and bigger. These devilish thoughts of me hating down on myself. I don't see myself how you see me God. I don't know if I can.
And yet other moments I feel happy and relieved.
I feel like I can actually become this great person through your eyes. I help people out when I can, I will give them a hug if they need it. I have been told I give great hugs. A part of me needs instant gratification.
I went to connection group today, and things got a little emotional. Expressed that I have these feels. This stuff in my head, I just wish was gone. A part of me wants to be that happy person all the time. And, most of the time I am happy. I have the best husband I could of ever asked for, which I thank you deeply for that. I have some great friends in my life that are there for me. As well as some family who is a big support.
It did make me feel really good to talk about it. Kind of like a relief. On another note, I can't complain about my life. I finally have a job. I know it is not a forever thing, but thanks for helping me with that. I have a husband who works his butt off at school. I know he is going to be a good lawyer someday, with your guidance of course. I see his strength everyday for wanting to be a good man who wants to support me and our family, when that comes around. I see a man who loves you. You are what holds us together. I see my friends who understand my craziness, amongst other things. And, I know that I don't need this huge house on a hill. After all, why would I want to clean a huge house.....LOL. I just pray to you to get us by day after day. That is all I ask. Nothing special. Just simplistic as possible.
God, despite everything, thank you for my life. Thank you for letting me live. Giving me that chance to become who you want me to be. This I pray to you
Amen!
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