Emotional Breakdown and lost

Sometimes, when I think a lot, it can be good or bad.

I just feel lost. I tend to get down on myself so much. I also know that I have never stuck with anything in my life. AKA....I tend to give up really easily.

I have a depressive history and I am not good with change.

Right now, I think I am there. I am just so tired.

Right now I have this overwhelming worthlessness. I have applied to so many places, and yet, no response. How can there be nothing? So, I find myself giving up, and find myself caring less and less. You ask me how I am doing, and my answer will always be fine, even though it usually isn't. I like to keep my emotions to myself. That is just me. So, I won't let anyone know how I am fully feeling, except for Alan a good amount of the time.

I don't like change. When I get comfortable with something, then I won't adjust well. I will rebel to a certain point. I get very uncomfortable with it. It is like taking me from my quiet place and putting me right in front of a giant crowd, and expecting me to be happy. Well, it is not going to happen.

Lately I have been feeling like shutting down and enclosing myself from the world.

I don't feel like I want to be me. Just want to step out and watch. No matter how many compliments I receive, there will never be enough. Alan says I am too harsh on myself, but a part of me believes I need to be. I don't like me. I really never have. I don't like mirrors. If I could destroy all of them, I would. I don't have any belief in myself. I have struggled with it ever since I was really really young, and I hate it. I look around at all the other pretty women in this world, and wish I was them. I compare myself with every woman that I meet. I am tired of feeling so ugly. How can someone truly love themselves. This is my life long battle.

I know in Church we are talking about James. And this past Sunday we were talking about James 3. It is about how your words can effect people. During the service I got a little emotional (ie tears started coming down from my eyes) Something I can sometimes not control, even though I try. I started thinking that words can be good as well as hinder someone's life. For me, it has hindered more then good. Referencing on growing up. I have been though so many negative words, some people just don't understand why I can get so down. It was those words growing up that, I feel, gave me all this negative. I just can't seem to get over it. It goes over and over in my head. The words that kids used to say to me. The whispers that I seemed to hear behind my back. Words can effect me greatly.

I can also take things the wrong way when it comes to words, even though it was not meant to. When I do, I become defensive as well as silent at the same time. Deciding if it is even worth to bring up sometimes, and just except it.

So, the question is, will I "ever" feel like I am worth it? The answer is, unknown.

So, there you have it.