Faithful

Dear God,

As I go along in my life, I seem to come across, what you would call pot holes. These little bumps that sometimes get bigger and bigger. Until the road becomes so bumpy that I just ware down. Not only my body, but my spirit.

That is where I look at you for advice. Advice on how to be a better person. To love everyone, and not to have any hate. For I know that hate will end up filling my heart if I let that happen. But to give everyone Grace.

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John bore witness about him, and cried out, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me ranks before me, because he was before me.’”) And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God; the only God, who is at the Father's side, he has made him known."—John 1:14-18

In my heart, I have forgiven everyone, except one person. The hardest one of them all....Myself. All these thoughts running through my head.

I wish I was a better person.

I wish I was more understanding.

I wish I didn't feel like I have not accomplished anything in my life.

I wish I wasn't so judgmental sometimes (on me a good amount of the time)

I wish I could be proud of myself.

I wish I was good enough.

I have so much worry. It just bottled up in this ball of mine. You know, kind of like the rubber band balls that you keep on adding and adding and it gets bigger and bigger. These devilish thoughts of me hating down on myself. I don't see myself how you see me God. I don't know if I can.

And yet other moments I feel happy and relieved.

I feel like I can actually become this great person through your eyes. I help people out when I can, I will give them a hug if they need it. I have been told I give great hugs. A part of me needs instant gratification.

I went to connection group today, and things got a little emotional. Expressed that I have these feels. This stuff in my head, I just wish was gone. A part of me wants to be that happy person all the time. And, most of the time I am happy. I have the best husband I could of ever asked for, which I thank you deeply for that. I have some great friends in my life that are there for me. As well as some family who is a big support.

It did make me feel really good to talk about it. Kind of like a relief. On another note, I can't complain about my life. I finally have a job. I know it is not a forever thing, but thanks for helping me with that. I have a husband who works his butt off at school. I know he is going to be a good lawyer someday, with your guidance of course. I see his strength everyday for wanting to be a good man who wants to support me and our family, when that comes around. I see a man who loves you. You are what holds us together. I see my friends who understand my craziness, amongst other things. And, I know that I don't need this huge house on a hill. After all, why would I want to clean a huge house.....LOL. I just pray to you to get us by day after day. That is all I ask. Nothing special. Just simplistic as possible.

God, despite everything, thank you for my life. Thank you for letting me live. Giving me that chance to become who you want me to be. This I pray to you

Amen!

Emotional Breakdown and lost

Sometimes, when I think a lot, it can be good or bad.

I just feel lost. I tend to get down on myself so much. I also know that I have never stuck with anything in my life. AKA....I tend to give up really easily.

I have a depressive history and I am not good with change.

Right now, I think I am there. I am just so tired.

Right now I have this overwhelming worthlessness. I have applied to so many places, and yet, no response. How can there be nothing? So, I find myself giving up, and find myself caring less and less. You ask me how I am doing, and my answer will always be fine, even though it usually isn't. I like to keep my emotions to myself. That is just me. So, I won't let anyone know how I am fully feeling, except for Alan a good amount of the time.

I don't like change. When I get comfortable with something, then I won't adjust well. I will rebel to a certain point. I get very uncomfortable with it. It is like taking me from my quiet place and putting me right in front of a giant crowd, and expecting me to be happy. Well, it is not going to happen.

Lately I have been feeling like shutting down and enclosing myself from the world.

I don't feel like I want to be me. Just want to step out and watch. No matter how many compliments I receive, there will never be enough. Alan says I am too harsh on myself, but a part of me believes I need to be. I don't like me. I really never have. I don't like mirrors. If I could destroy all of them, I would. I don't have any belief in myself. I have struggled with it ever since I was really really young, and I hate it. I look around at all the other pretty women in this world, and wish I was them. I compare myself with every woman that I meet. I am tired of feeling so ugly. How can someone truly love themselves. This is my life long battle.

I know in Church we are talking about James. And this past Sunday we were talking about James 3. It is about how your words can effect people. During the service I got a little emotional (ie tears started coming down from my eyes) Something I can sometimes not control, even though I try. I started thinking that words can be good as well as hinder someone's life. For me, it has hindered more then good. Referencing on growing up. I have been though so many negative words, some people just don't understand why I can get so down. It was those words growing up that, I feel, gave me all this negative. I just can't seem to get over it. It goes over and over in my head. The words that kids used to say to me. The whispers that I seemed to hear behind my back. Words can effect me greatly.

I can also take things the wrong way when it comes to words, even though it was not meant to. When I do, I become defensive as well as silent at the same time. Deciding if it is even worth to bring up sometimes, and just except it.

So, the question is, will I "ever" feel like I am worth it? The answer is, unknown.

So, there you have it.

Portrait of an ISFP

Portrait of an ISFP - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Sensing)

The Artist:

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxilliary: Extraverted Sensing
Tertiary: Introverted Intuition
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

(From: http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFP.html)

Randomness...got to love it!

I am in the mood where I don't know what I want to write about, but I feel like blogging. So, I think whatever comes out, that is what it will be.

I guess you could say I love music. I love listening to it everywhere. I guess that it what a handy Ipod/ touch is for. Everything at the touch of a button, or a couple of buttons. Sometimes I find myself, without realizing it, singing out loud. Sometimes not in the best of places. Other times, I can be in my house or in my car. I bet if you pass me by on the street and you see me driving, you would crack up. I do, what I guess is called, car dancing. As well as singing my lungs out. It music can also show what kind of mood I am in. I am very eclectic when it comes to that sort of thing. A variety is always good. I also like to dance in my apartment. When I am cooking or cleaning is the funnest. I am all over the apartment there, and it makes it more fun.

Which leads me to dancing. I know I can't dance, and I am not ashamed. For, I will dance anyway. Alan has been teaching me some swing. Which, is completely awesome. He even wants to take maybe a ballroom dance class or some other kind of dance class, which would be cool too. For one, it is good exercise. And considering I like to move a lot, it helps with that as well.

I have been one to never be able to sit still. Gosh, you should have seen me at school growing up. It drove me up the wall. I would constantly be moving. I also like a job where I can move all the time. I don't know how people work and sit in chairs all day. Plus, I think my butt, even though a good size (LOL), still goes numb from a huge amount of sitting.

I also like meeting new people. I love being on the go with different people. If I tried I could pretty much book myself a week at a time with people to hang out with, or do stuff with. Actually, come to think of it, I have done that on several occasions. I love learning about people's lives and getting to know them on a whole new level. Sometimes I think I scare anyone who doesn't know me that much. I can be a little, how to say it, overwhelming at times. Plus, I think I giggle a little too much. I laugh more then I ever have.

I love laughing. My dad used to be able to make me laugh so much, I would actually stop breathing for a little while and my chest would hurt. I think laughing keeps us young. I am always up for a good joke. So, if you have one, please share. For it would make me very happy. I know that the best solution for when I have my down moments is to crack me a joke, or maybe it will take a little more then that. I think everyone has their moments.

I see to also always view life through a photo lens. I love taking pics. It, I believe has been a hobby or passion, I guess you can say for a good portion of my life. I look forward some day to taking some photo classes and getting even more into it. God created a beautiful world, I believe it is our duty to capture it, along with the moments of our lives. I like to go through pictures and have that moment flood back to me. It can be instant gratification.

I like to sit in a quite place sometimes and just absorb everything around me. I like the feel of sand or dirt between my toes or fingers. No, I don't care if I get dirty. You can always get clean again. I love when the breeze blows through my hair. I like how sometimes when I people watch it can make me smile. When I see an old couple holding hands, I think about my future with years and years of love with my someone special. I like how a song can spark a great memory of my past, and being able to live that memory over again. I love how sometimes silence can be the best sound in the world, but at the same time can sometimes be the loneliest.

I think about how lucky I am to be here in this world. I have all of my senses. I love the fact that I can touch, feel, smell, hear, speak, and see. Then I think of my mother in law, and what a strong woman she is. Her whole life, almost, she had to get through the barriers of being deaf. She is kind of an inspiration to me. She challenges me to be a better person. You want to learn her language. It makes me thrive. I love learning sign language. It makes me feel more connected to her, as well get a better understanding. It is not easy. I forget some of it all the time, but that only makes me want to work harder.

To anyone who knows me, I have this love of reading. I know I need to get back into it. I almost have a book finished. I just feel like it keeps my mind going. Plus, I love to visualize everything. So, it helps open my thoughts and mind. I developed this love from a very early age. It is actually my dream to have an awesome library as years past. We will see what happens.

I also have my moments of loosing my train of thought. I do this a lot. I am one to get distracted. And then maybe a day later I will remember and out it will come, except in a different conversation. Which, I end up throwing that person off track. I think that is why I have to get things out right away, other wise in the next min, they can vanish, and my point will be long gone.

Then there are the times when stupid stuff comes out of my mouth, and I am like, "what the heck?" I have no clue why I say these kinds of things. I tend to not think before speak, on some occasions. It has gotten me in trouble sometimes. okay, somewhat all the time.

Or, I get so goofy that people don't know how to react to me. Really, all you have to do is just join in. I like to act goofy. Relaxes me most of all. Sometimes I will try to embrace anyone who is with me. When I am out with Alan or one of my friends, and we are at the store, I sometimes start dancing down the aisles or start singing. I love to see people's reactions. Sometimes they look at me like they don't know me at all, or they will laugh and join in. Those are the best. I have gotten to a point where I don't care what people think. I like to be the person that I want to be. This has taken me a long time to realize this. But I am glad I finally did.

The best thing you can do for yourself is laugh. You use more muscles frowning then you do smiling. I like to make people laugh too. To hear someone giggle is like music to my ears. It makes me feel good if I can get someone to laugh, even if it is at one of my corny jokes or whatever it may be. So, laugh already.

...One of the first things that people notice about me, and I am not lying, are my light blue grey eyes. You can't imagine how many old people used to comment on them. Not joking. I hear it all the time. I happen to like them. They are my dad's eyes. One of the things that he did give me. What is nice is I can sometimes freak people out with them. Kind of an advantage. I can open my eyes up really really wide and just stare. Kind of giant ghostly eyes. Works all the time. I like blue. I think it is because my mom used to dress me in pink a lot. So, I think at some point of time, I rebelled. Now I have blue everything. Maybe I need to open my color pallet up a little. Change....

....that is hard for me. I am not very good with change. When I find that I like something, I usually stick with it. For example: if I find a subway sandwich that I like, I will not try anything else. Usually when I do, it usually fails me. I am sometimes a hard shell to crack. This, I know, needs work. I am not blind of it. I will let you know how it goes.

I can be an emotional person, or have my emotions get to me. Sometimes I will start crying for no reason, or sometimes something will just hit me. I can run on my friends or other people's emotions. Empathetic I believe it is. I can take them in, and it can effect me deeply. But I think it can be a positive thing. A lot of my friends will come to me if they need to talk to someone. I think it is a relief to get emotions out so they don't get bottled up inside. I sometimes have a hard time to get my emotions out myself.

I love to cook/ bake. I used to help my mom when I was younger, or even my grandma. I loved helping my mom with Thanksgiving and Christmas lunch/dinner. Rolling the silverware in napkins and aligning the special crystal glassware for the special occasion. If just made it that much more special. I love gatherings where everyone is around the table ready to dig into all the good food.

I love that satisfaction that I get after creating any kind of food, but I am always skeptical of it until I get someone else to taste it, and see what they think.

Other random things...

I am addicted to TLC, discovery channel, ABC family, comedy central, history channel, discovery medical, biography channel, and others.

I have a love of milk. I am somewhat lactose intolerant, but not to a point where I have to stop drinking it. I just can't get out of control.

I can get motion sickness. I have gotten car sickness, where it has gotten so bad, I had to have my dad pull over. I usually have to take motion sickness pills if I plan to ride on any kind of ride, even the simplest.

I am fascinated about learning about people. I love to read or watch biography's about people I am interested on getting to know.

One of my fear's right now is finding out that I would not be able to become a mom. It would actually break my heart.

I have a habit of biting my nails sometimes when I get nervous. Also at the same time, when I am stressed or nervous my left eye twitches.

When I was in kindergarten I: developed chicken pox, got my tonsils out, tubs put in my ears, and had to wear an eye patch over my right eye because my left eye was a lazy eye. (very embarrassing)

I can be a perfectionist to a point, it can actually really be annoying.

I have a compulsion to straighten things, or everything to equal proportions.

My favorite movie of all time, which I can quote, is "Beauty and the Beast"

I love learning new things. I don't care what it is, I just want to learn more.

I love helping out with anything. I always ask, "Can I help?"

I could never be a vegetarian. I just love meat too much, but I am not a huge pork person.

I loved going to my grandparents farm when I was a little girl. It was the funnest place ever to be.

I have never had a pet in my life, except if you count the two Betta fish that I have owned. Both are now dead, but they lived good long lives for Betta fish.

I love flowers. My favorite flowers are wild daisies and carnations.

I wanted to be a oceanographer when I was younger, yet I have never seen the ocean.

I love being in the water. I love to swim. I also love being on a boat...so much fun.

I have never been in a plane. Not sure at what point in my life I ever will.

I wish to be on the beach when the sun goes down.

Besides the stars in the sky, and sunset is one of my favorite views that God created for us.

God influences my life everyday. Gives me a great wholeness.

I believe people need to relax and enjoy life a little more. Sometimes people don't know what they have.

My favorite season is Spring. I love when things come to life.

when I was a little girl, I would always ask my parents for a baby tiger.

I love to drive and travel.

I am not a morning person, and don't know if I ever will be.

When I was younger, I would help my mom cut out, what seemed like a zillion coupons every sunday.

My favorite super hero is Batman. Love them gadgets.

If I were to ever get to New York, I would try to see as many Broadway shows as possible. Although, I would NEVER live in New York.

I am not a huge city person. To busy and overwhelming for me.

I don't drive well in traffic that goes beyond 3 lanes.

I am claustrophobic. I need my bubble other wise I get uneasy. Crowds or a huge party can intimidate me.

I also have social anxiety. I have to sit in certain places at a restaurant or movie theater, and I am uneasy on certain situations.

I hate talking on the phone.

I am very quiet when I meet new people, but then I relax. Doesn't take me too long.

I am 5.5, however my legs usually hang over couches, chairs, or booths because I have short legs and a taller torso. I tend to laugh at myself when this happens.

I am part Dutch, Cherokee, English, French Canadian, Swedish, German...there might be another one.

I am learning sign language, which is every interesting to me.

I am married to, what I think to be, a very handsome wonderful man.

I am EXTREMELY ticklish.

I love the Art Novae era

I like spending time in Coffee shops with friends

I have a couple of dream houses: a cabin or farmhouse. I love the thought of a wrap around porch with a swing.

I found a love for pottery while in college.

I want to go paint balling sometime.

I want to learn how to shoot a gun, so I would know how to use one if an occasion ever came up.

I think it would be fun to ride on a motorcycle at least once to get the experience.

I have never, nor will I ever, been on a roller coaster.

Things change

WOW! It has been a crazy year or so. But this year is where my life changed, for good and bad. I have had so many ups and downs, it is hard to keep track. But more ups then downs.

Lets go back.

1) I really never thought I would meet someone. Last July and August, I was just going about my life. Working and coming home. Every now and then hang out with family, which seemed kind of distant. I would be sitting in the house, but there was really no interaction. Everyone was off doing their own thing, and then there was just me. Trying to keep myself entertained. I am one to get bored easily sometimes. I guess it was either be lonely with people around or lonely with just me and no one else around. I was sad and depressive most of the time, but people didn't pick up on it. All they wanted to see was a smile and laugh. That usually worked. Well, except for my closer friends. Shannah always knew something was wrong. And to tell you the truth, which this is very personal, but even thought about ending everything. I just wasn't happy, no matter if people thought I was.

My family says I have changed in this past year. Well, I have. I didn't like my life before. I was the type of person who didn't go to church and didn't feel like it. I think it had to do with me still being angry at my dad's passing. I prayed for him to be better, and then he was taken from me. My eyes, I viewed that request differently then what God viewed it. Making him better to God, meant bringing him to heaven where he felt no more pain. Where as to me, I felt....abandoned. I bashed him and yelled.

But then I met Alan, who introduced me to West Wind and going to the connection group. I was a little hesitant. Some of my friends would tell you this, because I would call them up and tell them that I wasn't sure. It took awhile, but then I started feeling comfortable. I went from judging people, to getting to know some wonderful people. For I have NO right to judge. I embraced it all. Now, I feel filled and happy. I try to stay away from judgement and negativity. I don't want it anywhere in my life.

2) I finally know what the word "love" means. This word can not be thrown around. I believe that we throw it around more then we should. Love is more then a feeling. It is an act. You choose to love someone. I chose to love Alan, which we waited 4+ months to say those words to each other. If he would have said them with in the first week or month, I probably wouldn't have taken him seriously.

“Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.”

M. Scott Peck quotes (American psychiatrist and Author, 1936-2005) Alan and I try to show everyday our love and dedication to one another. We have even taken Brandon's advice and try to "out love" each other. I will do something then he will. It is like a never ending battle, but a good battle at that. Sure, we can get on each others nerves but heck, that happens to everyone. We have also made it a point that if there is some confrontation to resolve it at the end of the night and apologize & say sorry to one another. It has worked thus far. He is one of the men I love. The main one is God. I believe he saved me. Saved me from a life where I was a horrible person. I would point at people and make fun. I would criticize other people for how they were. I would judge everyone because I thought they were judging me. And maybe they were. Now, I am free of that. I have crossed it off and out of my life. 3) I am not perfect, for I make mistakes all the time. Day in and day out. I will never be perfect, and I don't want too. For I make mistakes, so shall I learn from them, and be forgiven. Not just by God, but by others. I am trying to forgive more, but sometimes it seems hard. That is when Alan pointed out this to me: Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked,"Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times? Jesus answered,"I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." I understand, it is just going to take time with some things. He knows what I mean. I can only take so much sometimes. I am a strong person, even though I sometimes feel I am a punching bag for bad remarks. Ones spirit can only stand so much before someone just says, enough. I have great friends and a wonderful church family that stands behind me all the time. My mom, who is not perfect herself, and who I have continuously have gotten frustrated and mad about. I have said bad things about her. But since then, sat down with her and asked her for forgiveness of all the nastiness I have dealt her. For I know my dad would not of approved. And I have asked forgiveness from my friends for the stupid things that I do, and I will probably do some more. 4) I have gotten better at loving myself, but I still need work. I am my worst critique. I bash myself constantly. I am always comparing myself to others, wishing I was more like them sometimes. But this is something that is going to take a process. I have dealt with my whole life. I guess it was the badgering from other people. I have been somewhat of a loner most of my life. Trying to make everyone else happy, but that never worked. When something good happens to me, I am always waiting for the other shoe. It always seems to come too. But I have gotten better about it. I somewhat dress up for nice occasions, even though I am a true jeans and t-shirts kind of gal. I don't think I will ever out grow that....LOL! But it is looking up. I have stopped paying for a gym membership and started walking some a good friend of mine for 3 miles a day, which will turn into doing more stuff. I can also work out at the Drake gym for $55 a year, instead of $40 a month. It has made me feel great. I do need a new pair of walking shoes. Haven't done that yet. ...but all in all, this year has been wonderful. Met the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and who I hope to have babies with. Let's say 3 to 5 babies. That is what we have discussed. I really really at least want 3. I think that is a good number. I know it won't be for another 2ish years, but I can wait I guess. :) I have some wonderful old and new friends along the way. Lost and found relationships, and found out the people who actually really care about me. It has been an up and down journey, but I am looking forward to more, and a wonderful future. laters my wonderful people.

life...

am sitting here at 3am on my computer, not being able to sleep. Nothing is wrong or anything, just for some reason wide awake. So, I decided to write since I haven't written in this thing for a while. Alan is sleeping, so I am trying to be quiet as possible. A lot has happened since I last updated. I was never really good an journals, somewhat, in the first place. So, I am trying to improve.

Well, just to let you know, the wed

ding went off fine. I was extremely nervous of course. So nervous that my hands that were holding my flowers were shaking. Randy, Charlie, and Shannah did a good job of calming me down before we had to walk down the aisle. I have to say, looking at all the decorations and the set up took my breath away. I had the decorations, but it was all up to the wedding planner Mrs. Katie C. and the connection group to make it happen. And you know what, it was gorgeous. I didn't even imagine it that way. It was way better. Deep thanks to all of them for making that day wonderful. Amye came extra early in the morning to do my hair and then shannah's. Christina came to do my makeup. I got lost a couple times on the way to the place, but finally made it there, 30 mins late with shannah in tow.

The bridesmaids, all 4 of them (shannah, crystal, cynthia, and amanda), looked beautiful. I hope they felt good and had fun as well. The strapping men looked handsome too (Charlie, Dan, Jordan, and Mark), especially Mr. Alan Pierce Jr. himself. I can't forget his face when he first saw me in my dress, and I can't either because we have a pic of it. Madie was adorable as the flower girl, and she was very happy to be there. Along side charlie jr. as the ring bearer, which was the shyest boy ever, but cute. The pictures were taken by my wonderful friend Angie, despite

her foot operation. And may I add, the cake was gorgeous. Mrs. Bonnie Nesler (shannah's mom) made it. It was so pretty, I was afraid to ruin it with cutting into it. The dancing was fun. We got through the first dance and then the daddy daughter dance where Randy Nesler (shannah's dad) danced with me, and to my surprise, my brother Paul tapped me on the shoulder and took over. He danced with me the rest of the song. Which, meant a lot to me. I even started crying. My sister in law, Amanda (and a bridesmaid), caught the bouquet and Alan's friend (and groomsman) caught the garter.

When everyone started dancing, cracked me up. I have never seen Bonnie Mills in a dress before. You looked gorgeous. And I saw friends there that I haven't seen in years, and miss so much. I was sad when I wasn't able to sit down with them. Every time I tried I had to get up for something else. So, to those friends, we most definitely have to get together later. I do miss you.

I loved that day, and I hope everyone had fun. I thank you for taking the time and coming out to celebrate Alan and my new life together. The dancing was fun, and the cake and ice cream I hope were good. I was so busy, I never got to enjoy it. It melted into liquid before I was able to get back to it. As we headed out and walk through the many bubbles, I took a look at the car and laughted. Balloons filled the car along with decorations and presents. With pop cans on strings and a sign that said "Just Ma

rried" on the back. By the end of the day, I was tired. Didn't get to really eat anything all day. Ordering pizza sounded like a good idea.

After that night, the next morning we set off on the honeymoon. He surprised me with renting a cabin in the smoky mountains in Tennesse by Pigeon Forge and Galtinburg. We saw the sites, but the cabin was gorgeous. I loved having a whole house to ourselves for a week. Hot tub and whirl pool tub in all. It was very relaxing, and hard to leave to come back. A part of me wanted to rebel and stay. We have discussed going back there next summer. Maybe we will even go to Dollywood and other places that we didn't choose to go the first time. Now back to life.

Well, I better head out. It is almost 3:30am. Maybe I will get some kind of sleep.

Still have to finish cleaning tomorrow and finish doing laundry. We are going through clothes and the ones that don't fit or that we have not worn at all, to bring them to good will.

Well, peace out everyone. I am getting tired finally.

The New Chapter of my life...

(our books)

wow...

I think that is all I can say. My life right now has all kinds of "newness".

his whole week I have just been on the go. Alan and I got the keys to our new apartment, which was a surprise to us, on Monday 05/17/10. We though it would take much longer. So, we started moving in that day. My brother Paul helped, which was a great help. In this move I discovered that we have a heck of a lot of books between us. As I stared up at the two completely packed 6 foot book cases. Through out the week we had helpers. It took until Thursday to get completely moved in. Thanks for everyone who helped us move. It made things to by faster. Alan cleaned his apartment on Thursday. His mom came over and hung out. Friday was kind of an errand and relax day after 4 days of moving. it was so weird being in a new place. It is a lot brighter.

On Saturday morning bright and early, his sister Amanda and mom Linda came to our apartment and we all went for breakfast at Drake Dinner before we headed for the airport to say good-bye to Alan for 5 weeks. We got there, we didn't have to wait around for long. We said our good-bye's which was really hard for me. But with having a lot of friend's and such, and a lot to do, I think it will be just fine. There is a 7 hour difference. so when I wake up in the morning, it is already mid-day there. And the fact that they haven't set up the internet in our apartment yet. I just got to skype with him, which was awesome. Almost an hour. Had to grab my laptop and go across the street to Mars Cafe. It is a little after 8pm there right now.

And as of today, it is 48 days till the wedding. I am in the process of getting the decorations. Amanda came over for a while on saturday and we looked for options on different websites for the materials. Going to get the stamps to get the invites out which I meant to do a week ago, but then got busy with the move. Most definitely doing that today. Also, to talk to the land lady because the air conditioner is leaking water. Not that big of a deal, and to ask when we will get internet. I want to know if I have to be around.

The pluses of the new apartment:

- Dishwasher (thank goodness) It looks like a brand new one too.

- The bedroom is double my old one. It could be two bedrooms if possible. Lots of space.

- The bathroom is double the size of my old one. My knees no longer almost hit the tub when sitting on the john. (yes that is how small it was)

- The lighting is wonderful. Mine was always dim. I hated it.

- Bigger and more open kitchen. I love the new metal rack that we have in there to hold the microwave, appliances, and can goods. (kind of like a pantry)

- The view. Since we are on the 3rd floor you get to look over some stuff.

- gated parking. I like to know the cars secure.

- Locked mail boxes, so I know my mail can't be taken.

- Carpet. I love wood floors but I needed a break from them.

- The ability to put up things on the wall. I was never allowed to make any holes in the old walls. So, therefore I had NO wall decorations.

- The laundry machines are about 5 or so feet from my apartment door. No going down in a creepy basement anymore.

- Newer pipping. No more pipping backing up or clogging.

- Internet and Cable. It comes "mandatory" with the apartment, but only $55 for both as a special package we get. I will use the internet more then cable. Don't watch too much TV.

- Split the rent, so it won't be that much, and I will save money.

- I get to share the apartment with a wonderful man after July 11th.

- I know have a flat panal tv instead of a big tube. My brother is buying the tub TV from me.

- Everything is within walking distance. My bank is just a hop and a skip across the street. There is chinese and mexican right across the street too. And if I need to get on the interstate, no problem. Right by that as well.

So, I think the positives out weigh the bad. The bad being the 3rd floor, but it is actually good exercise. So, that becomes a good as well, despite it stinking when it came to the move.

Well, I better get off now. Have things to do.

Some of my photos...

Dream a little Dream....

Life is crazy. You never know what you will become or what path you will have.

.... But when I was a little girl, I had great aspirations.

...to list the things I wanted to be.

These were only dreams of course.

I wanted to be a world renown photographer. I wanted to explore the world and capture moments. Glimpses that could be captured in one second to last a life time of memories. I could look back on them and say, I was there. I wanted to work for National Geographic. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to have stories to tell my kids and great grand kids of all the wonders that I have seen. I wanted to share them all with the world. I wanted to capture the beauty that is around us all, that sometimes we don't take the time to look at. I still want to do this. I guess it has always been my passion. What is inside of me. I have this urge that just wants to get out and shine. I want to take pics of the strange things. Pictures that are from weird angles and sometimes people will look at you and say, why? And I will tell them why. Beauty is everywhere.

I wanted to be a world traveler. This goes along with being a photographer. I want to meet people from everywhere. I want to go to places were I have my ancestry and much more. I love to be encompassed in culture. If there was nothing to stop me, I would take off now. Scotland, Ireland, Sweden, Holland, Italy, France, Germany, Australia....just to name a few. The world could be my oyster. Only if...right?

Then there is a storm chaser. I was that girl who stood out on the porch in storms, lightening and all. My mom had to drag me in sometimes. I always wanted to get a closer look. If only for a little bit longer. I still get captivated by lighting storms. How is crawls across the sky in all it's vengeance, but yet stunningly beautiful at the same time. It's alive. I like to watch the skies move and get darker. How they can swirl and make a force that can destroy everything. I don't care for the destroying part, but just the atmosphere of it all. When I was a little girl, I ran outside when it rained and loved the way the rain danced. When I got older I wanted to be one of those people who wanted to run into a storm chaser car with my colleges and go after whatever it was. Any kind of storm would suffice. My mom once said, "but Liz, that is dangerous. What if you died." My answer, "It would be an adventure that has it's risks, but doesn't everything?"

Then there is the artist turned Graphic Designer later on. I am not one to read everything about every artist, but I do have art history books. I can't memorize the stuff for the life of me, but when I look at painting or drawings, it astounds me. I look closer to see the depth. I can see the strokes and layers that it took to create that piece of art. The time and patience that person had. People don't appreciate art these days. It is a lot of hard work. Now, I can't draw people really at all, or hands nonetheless. What I like is landscapes. I remember there was this colorful still life that I still have in my closet that I did. It was something for a college class. It wasn't something that you only did for class time, but also that you had to take the time out of your schedule after hours to go in a finish up. It took me 16 hours total in one week to finish with color pencil. Out of those 16 hours, only 4 hours were class time. I worked hard at that piece, and it is still one of my favorite pieces to this day, even if it is just a still life.

I have to say I miss my graphics programs. To have those again, would be wonderful. I would have to teach myself again, but that shouldn't be too hard. I have all kinds of books on it still from college. Maybe one day I will get back into it. I don't know where I got this love for drawing, I guess it has always been with me. That is what my dad used to say. He drew stuff as well. I used to watch him draw. I loved watching him draw. He always believed that I would become something, and always believed I was born to be an artist. As a little girl I would just stare at the world. To observe it, and absorb it in.

And at the same time, I am sad to how we treat the world around us. We has humans just through stuff everywhere, without a care in the world. Will it be as pretty as it is right now, or will be destroy it little by little. Will all we have are pictures and paintings of what once was.

...... I am hoping beauty will still exist in the future. For it is our inspiration.

....I guess I think there could still be that chance where my dreams will come true. I guess only time will tell.

Thoughts

I sometimes think a lot. Sometimes too much.

But I think it is a good thing to get things out of my head.

I know I am not perfect. I am happy to say that I am not. I don't want to be. I have my mistakes. I make them everyday.

First off, I have been up and down about my job situation. I have a tendency to get in a depression mode when things like this happen. I am familiar with this stage. But I do eventually get out of it. For example today, I was very productive, where as in yesterday I didn't have any energy to move. I think it was good for me to get out of my apartment today. I needed the fresh air, and it gives me a new out look. I have to be thankful to such close friends and family for their support and help. I know I am blessed by God.

Also about getting everything ready for a wedding. I have most of the stuff, but still consumed with craziness. I am glad to have met the guy that I will one day call my husband. Husband, wow, that is still very interesting off of the tip of my tongue. I think this is the happiest that I have been in my whole life. He gives me hugs when I need them, he supports me for anything that I seem to want to do, gives me flowers for no reason, gives the best foot massages ever, loves me despite my faults. Sometimes I look down at my finger with a ring that was given to me by a man that I love. I ponder about it sometimes. I have this guy who wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Who has given me a gift of a whole new life. A whole new journey that I can add to another chapter of my life. But sometimes I am still amazed. I look at myself, and say, really me? I do have self esteem issues, this is no surprise. He tells me I am beautiful all the time, and I know I will have to hear it for the rest of my life, because apart of me will never believe it. I told him that I will get grey hair and develop wrinkles, and his response is, Awesome! He loves me no matter what, and at that I am astounded. I think God helped give a push to put him in my life. And for that I am thankful. A huge part of it also goes to Charlie and Crystal for also giving us that push to meet, and from there it became what it is now.

Friends are also a huge part of my life. I love you all. You don't know what it means for me to have all you guys as friends. I never really had too many friends or none at all when I was growing up. I got a few friends in high school. Just to name a few are my best friend Shannah, Crystal, Cynthia, and Roxy....and so on. Through college I gained a lot more. Far to many to name on here, but you know who you are. Also my church friends and connection group. I love meeting new people everywhere I go. I have had the biggest support from you guys.

Then there is my family. Gosh, I know we have been through some hard times with each other, and of course we don't always get along. We don't have the same ideals, but that is what's so great. We are not a like. I have different thoughts and opinions about life and how I want to live. And that is okay with me. The most important thing is to except each others differences.

Again, I say I am not perfect. I sin everyday. But I know that God, as long as I look to him for my path in life, will and has forgiven me. I say stupid things and I do stupid things. Everyone does. I also have a tendency to judge, which I should not, because only God can and has the right to judge. Again, I am working on it. Most of the time I do feel that I am judged myself on everything I do. I hope to be a better person someday following in what God wants me to do. I, as you would call, am a work in progress. Right now I wish to give a big apology to whom I have done wrong by, because you know I didn't really mean it. Sometimes I just need to be told hey Liz, you are being a jerk. And I will be like okay.

But that is what has been on my mind lately . Thanks for hearing my rambles.

Love Liz

Dear God,

Sometimes I don't know what you want from me, but I will try my best to follow this path that you have for me. I am a little confused, but then again, arn't we all. I understand that I will go through good times and bad times; which I have clearly come across recently. I just pray that you will help me along this journey. Preferably, helping me get a job at the moment. I know I have to let it all to you. Which I am happy to give 100%. You know I wasn't happy there. I did feel like I was getting no where, and I know I didn't think I was meant to stay there. I don't know if I could hear one more person in their sad displacement. But I tried to help them as much as I knew how. I love to help people. It makes me happy when I am able too. So, therefore I feel that this could actually be a sign. Maybe for something better. Who knows. Life will in fact go on.

~Elizabeth

Psalm 27:3,5,13-14
Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear; Though war may rise against me,In this I will be confident. For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock. I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

.....thanks to everyone that has been by my side. Alan, I love you so much. You were right there for me, like you always have been. I don't even know how much I thank you for your love for me. I look into your eyes and I see the man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. A man who has faith in God, and has great passion. I see a guy who has determination, and more strength then I can't even ponder. When I am down, you lift me up and make me smile. When I need a hug, you wrap your arms around me and squeeze. Sometimes, the only thing I need is a hug. Thank you to my family and friends. No matter where we are in life or what our differences are, I will always love all of you. I am a person who does not want to hold hatred toward anyone. I want to see the joy and wonderfulness in each person. Life is too short to stay mad with hate. It consumes too much of my soul. I would rather smile then frown. I would rather love then hate. I would rather forgive then forget.

It is a beautiful day outside....I might take a walk and take the time to think. An view God's creation.

God Bless.

Dear God give me strength...

So, when I think my life is under control, I smack right into a wall.

Today started out to not be so bad. We were celebrating Ally's birthday at work, and I didn't get any bad calls. I have been doing pretty well with my job. Well, I get off work and I get a call from my temp agency telling me that I am no longer needed. After 5 or so months of trying to get hired on, one call and it all ends. I tried my best and worked really hard. So, I don't know what their deal is. Now, I have to re-prioritize. Trying to figure out how I am going to pay for bills. I will be in the process of saying good bye to my car, cancelling my gym membership, maybe my life insurance if it gets to that point, and who knows how I am going to be able to save up for the wedding now.

I have invitations in the process. So, I am not sure how that is going to work. I have no clue how I am going to do all this. I think a lot of praying and leaning on God will get me through this. Hopefully I get something fast. This isn't like last time where I had vacation pay, severance, and a couple of paychecks to live off of. This is just one more pay check next week for this week and that's all. Please, as I am praying, can everyone else pray for me too. I have a lot of things that I have to pay for, and live and I just don't know what to do.