Emotional Breakdown and lost

Sometimes, when I think a lot, it can be good or bad.

I just feel lost. I tend to get down on myself so much. I also know that I have never stuck with anything in my life. AKA....I tend to give up really easily.

I have a depressive history and I am not good with change.

Right now, I think I am there. I am just so tired.

Right now I have this overwhelming worthlessness. I have applied to so many places, and yet, no response. How can there be nothing? So, I find myself giving up, and find myself caring less and less. You ask me how I am doing, and my answer will always be fine, even though it usually isn't. I like to keep my emotions to myself. That is just me. So, I won't let anyone know how I am fully feeling, except for Alan a good amount of the time.

I don't like change. When I get comfortable with something, then I won't adjust well. I will rebel to a certain point. I get very uncomfortable with it. It is like taking me from my quiet place and putting me right in front of a giant crowd, and expecting me to be happy. Well, it is not going to happen.

Lately I have been feeling like shutting down and enclosing myself from the world.

I don't feel like I want to be me. Just want to step out and watch. No matter how many compliments I receive, there will never be enough. Alan says I am too harsh on myself, but a part of me believes I need to be. I don't like me. I really never have. I don't like mirrors. If I could destroy all of them, I would. I don't have any belief in myself. I have struggled with it ever since I was really really young, and I hate it. I look around at all the other pretty women in this world, and wish I was them. I compare myself with every woman that I meet. I am tired of feeling so ugly. How can someone truly love themselves. This is my life long battle.

I know in Church we are talking about James. And this past Sunday we were talking about James 3. It is about how your words can effect people. During the service I got a little emotional (ie tears started coming down from my eyes) Something I can sometimes not control, even though I try. I started thinking that words can be good as well as hinder someone's life. For me, it has hindered more then good. Referencing on growing up. I have been though so many negative words, some people just don't understand why I can get so down. It was those words growing up that, I feel, gave me all this negative. I just can't seem to get over it. It goes over and over in my head. The words that kids used to say to me. The whispers that I seemed to hear behind my back. Words can effect me greatly.

I can also take things the wrong way when it comes to words, even though it was not meant to. When I do, I become defensive as well as silent at the same time. Deciding if it is even worth to bring up sometimes, and just except it.

So, the question is, will I "ever" feel like I am worth it? The answer is, unknown.

So, there you have it.

Portrait of an ISFP

Portrait of an ISFP - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

(Introverted Feeling with Extraverted Sensing)

The Artist:

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Feeling
Auxilliary: Extraverted Sensing
Tertiary: Introverted Intuition
Inferior: Extraverted Thinking

(From: http://www.personalitypage.com/ISFP.html)

Randomness...got to love it!

I am in the mood where I don't know what I want to write about, but I feel like blogging. So, I think whatever comes out, that is what it will be.

I guess you could say I love music. I love listening to it everywhere. I guess that it what a handy Ipod/ touch is for. Everything at the touch of a button, or a couple of buttons. Sometimes I find myself, without realizing it, singing out loud. Sometimes not in the best of places. Other times, I can be in my house or in my car. I bet if you pass me by on the street and you see me driving, you would crack up. I do, what I guess is called, car dancing. As well as singing my lungs out. It music can also show what kind of mood I am in. I am very eclectic when it comes to that sort of thing. A variety is always good. I also like to dance in my apartment. When I am cooking or cleaning is the funnest. I am all over the apartment there, and it makes it more fun.

Which leads me to dancing. I know I can't dance, and I am not ashamed. For, I will dance anyway. Alan has been teaching me some swing. Which, is completely awesome. He even wants to take maybe a ballroom dance class or some other kind of dance class, which would be cool too. For one, it is good exercise. And considering I like to move a lot, it helps with that as well.

I have been one to never be able to sit still. Gosh, you should have seen me at school growing up. It drove me up the wall. I would constantly be moving. I also like a job where I can move all the time. I don't know how people work and sit in chairs all day. Plus, I think my butt, even though a good size (LOL), still goes numb from a huge amount of sitting.

I also like meeting new people. I love being on the go with different people. If I tried I could pretty much book myself a week at a time with people to hang out with, or do stuff with. Actually, come to think of it, I have done that on several occasions. I love learning about people's lives and getting to know them on a whole new level. Sometimes I think I scare anyone who doesn't know me that much. I can be a little, how to say it, overwhelming at times. Plus, I think I giggle a little too much. I laugh more then I ever have.

I love laughing. My dad used to be able to make me laugh so much, I would actually stop breathing for a little while and my chest would hurt. I think laughing keeps us young. I am always up for a good joke. So, if you have one, please share. For it would make me very happy. I know that the best solution for when I have my down moments is to crack me a joke, or maybe it will take a little more then that. I think everyone has their moments.

I see to also always view life through a photo lens. I love taking pics. It, I believe has been a hobby or passion, I guess you can say for a good portion of my life. I look forward some day to taking some photo classes and getting even more into it. God created a beautiful world, I believe it is our duty to capture it, along with the moments of our lives. I like to go through pictures and have that moment flood back to me. It can be instant gratification.

I like to sit in a quite place sometimes and just absorb everything around me. I like the feel of sand or dirt between my toes or fingers. No, I don't care if I get dirty. You can always get clean again. I love when the breeze blows through my hair. I like how sometimes when I people watch it can make me smile. When I see an old couple holding hands, I think about my future with years and years of love with my someone special. I like how a song can spark a great memory of my past, and being able to live that memory over again. I love how sometimes silence can be the best sound in the world, but at the same time can sometimes be the loneliest.

I think about how lucky I am to be here in this world. I have all of my senses. I love the fact that I can touch, feel, smell, hear, speak, and see. Then I think of my mother in law, and what a strong woman she is. Her whole life, almost, she had to get through the barriers of being deaf. She is kind of an inspiration to me. She challenges me to be a better person. You want to learn her language. It makes me thrive. I love learning sign language. It makes me feel more connected to her, as well get a better understanding. It is not easy. I forget some of it all the time, but that only makes me want to work harder.

To anyone who knows me, I have this love of reading. I know I need to get back into it. I almost have a book finished. I just feel like it keeps my mind going. Plus, I love to visualize everything. So, it helps open my thoughts and mind. I developed this love from a very early age. It is actually my dream to have an awesome library as years past. We will see what happens.

I also have my moments of loosing my train of thought. I do this a lot. I am one to get distracted. And then maybe a day later I will remember and out it will come, except in a different conversation. Which, I end up throwing that person off track. I think that is why I have to get things out right away, other wise in the next min, they can vanish, and my point will be long gone.

Then there are the times when stupid stuff comes out of my mouth, and I am like, "what the heck?" I have no clue why I say these kinds of things. I tend to not think before speak, on some occasions. It has gotten me in trouble sometimes. okay, somewhat all the time.

Or, I get so goofy that people don't know how to react to me. Really, all you have to do is just join in. I like to act goofy. Relaxes me most of all. Sometimes I will try to embrace anyone who is with me. When I am out with Alan or one of my friends, and we are at the store, I sometimes start dancing down the aisles or start singing. I love to see people's reactions. Sometimes they look at me like they don't know me at all, or they will laugh and join in. Those are the best. I have gotten to a point where I don't care what people think. I like to be the person that I want to be. This has taken me a long time to realize this. But I am glad I finally did.

The best thing you can do for yourself is laugh. You use more muscles frowning then you do smiling. I like to make people laugh too. To hear someone giggle is like music to my ears. It makes me feel good if I can get someone to laugh, even if it is at one of my corny jokes or whatever it may be. So, laugh already.

...One of the first things that people notice about me, and I am not lying, are my light blue grey eyes. You can't imagine how many old people used to comment on them. Not joking. I hear it all the time. I happen to like them. They are my dad's eyes. One of the things that he did give me. What is nice is I can sometimes freak people out with them. Kind of an advantage. I can open my eyes up really really wide and just stare. Kind of giant ghostly eyes. Works all the time. I like blue. I think it is because my mom used to dress me in pink a lot. So, I think at some point of time, I rebelled. Now I have blue everything. Maybe I need to open my color pallet up a little. Change....

....that is hard for me. I am not very good with change. When I find that I like something, I usually stick with it. For example: if I find a subway sandwich that I like, I will not try anything else. Usually when I do, it usually fails me. I am sometimes a hard shell to crack. This, I know, needs work. I am not blind of it. I will let you know how it goes.

I can be an emotional person, or have my emotions get to me. Sometimes I will start crying for no reason, or sometimes something will just hit me. I can run on my friends or other people's emotions. Empathetic I believe it is. I can take them in, and it can effect me deeply. But I think it can be a positive thing. A lot of my friends will come to me if they need to talk to someone. I think it is a relief to get emotions out so they don't get bottled up inside. I sometimes have a hard time to get my emotions out myself.

I love to cook/ bake. I used to help my mom when I was younger, or even my grandma. I loved helping my mom with Thanksgiving and Christmas lunch/dinner. Rolling the silverware in napkins and aligning the special crystal glassware for the special occasion. If just made it that much more special. I love gatherings where everyone is around the table ready to dig into all the good food.

I love that satisfaction that I get after creating any kind of food, but I am always skeptical of it until I get someone else to taste it, and see what they think.

Other random things...

I am addicted to TLC, discovery channel, ABC family, comedy central, history channel, discovery medical, biography channel, and others.

I have a love of milk. I am somewhat lactose intolerant, but not to a point where I have to stop drinking it. I just can't get out of control.

I can get motion sickness. I have gotten car sickness, where it has gotten so bad, I had to have my dad pull over. I usually have to take motion sickness pills if I plan to ride on any kind of ride, even the simplest.

I am fascinated about learning about people. I love to read or watch biography's about people I am interested on getting to know.

One of my fear's right now is finding out that I would not be able to become a mom. It would actually break my heart.

I have a habit of biting my nails sometimes when I get nervous. Also at the same time, when I am stressed or nervous my left eye twitches.

When I was in kindergarten I: developed chicken pox, got my tonsils out, tubs put in my ears, and had to wear an eye patch over my right eye because my left eye was a lazy eye. (very embarrassing)

I can be a perfectionist to a point, it can actually really be annoying.

I have a compulsion to straighten things, or everything to equal proportions.

My favorite movie of all time, which I can quote, is "Beauty and the Beast"

I love learning new things. I don't care what it is, I just want to learn more.

I love helping out with anything. I always ask, "Can I help?"

I could never be a vegetarian. I just love meat too much, but I am not a huge pork person.

I loved going to my grandparents farm when I was a little girl. It was the funnest place ever to be.

I have never had a pet in my life, except if you count the two Betta fish that I have owned. Both are now dead, but they lived good long lives for Betta fish.

I love flowers. My favorite flowers are wild daisies and carnations.

I wanted to be a oceanographer when I was younger, yet I have never seen the ocean.

I love being in the water. I love to swim. I also love being on a boat...so much fun.

I have never been in a plane. Not sure at what point in my life I ever will.

I wish to be on the beach when the sun goes down.

Besides the stars in the sky, and sunset is one of my favorite views that God created for us.

God influences my life everyday. Gives me a great wholeness.

I believe people need to relax and enjoy life a little more. Sometimes people don't know what they have.

My favorite season is Spring. I love when things come to life.

when I was a little girl, I would always ask my parents for a baby tiger.

I love to drive and travel.

I am not a morning person, and don't know if I ever will be.

When I was younger, I would help my mom cut out, what seemed like a zillion coupons every sunday.

My favorite super hero is Batman. Love them gadgets.

If I were to ever get to New York, I would try to see as many Broadway shows as possible. Although, I would NEVER live in New York.

I am not a huge city person. To busy and overwhelming for me.

I don't drive well in traffic that goes beyond 3 lanes.

I am claustrophobic. I need my bubble other wise I get uneasy. Crowds or a huge party can intimidate me.

I also have social anxiety. I have to sit in certain places at a restaurant or movie theater, and I am uneasy on certain situations.

I hate talking on the phone.

I am very quiet when I meet new people, but then I relax. Doesn't take me too long.

I am 5.5, however my legs usually hang over couches, chairs, or booths because I have short legs and a taller torso. I tend to laugh at myself when this happens.

I am part Dutch, Cherokee, English, French Canadian, Swedish, German...there might be another one.

I am learning sign language, which is every interesting to me.

I am married to, what I think to be, a very handsome wonderful man.

I am EXTREMELY ticklish.

I love the Art Novae era

I like spending time in Coffee shops with friends

I have a couple of dream houses: a cabin or farmhouse. I love the thought of a wrap around porch with a swing.

I found a love for pottery while in college.

I want to go paint balling sometime.

I want to learn how to shoot a gun, so I would know how to use one if an occasion ever came up.

I think it would be fun to ride on a motorcycle at least once to get the experience.

I have never, nor will I ever, been on a roller coaster.