WOW! It has been a crazy year or so. But this year is where my life changed, for good and bad. I have had so many ups and downs, it is hard to keep track. But more ups then downs.
Lets go back.
1) I really never thought I would meet someone. Last July and August, I was just going about my life. Working and coming home. Every now and then hang out with family, which seemed kind of distant. I would be sitting in the house, but there was really no interaction. Everyone was off doing their own thing, and then there was just me. Trying to keep myself entertained. I am one to get bored easily sometimes. I guess it was either be lonely with people around or lonely with just me and no one else around. I was sad and depressive most of the time, but people didn't pick up on it. All they wanted to see was a smile and laugh. That usually worked. Well, except for my closer friends. Shannah always knew something was wrong. And to tell you the truth, which this is very personal, but even thought about ending everything. I just wasn't happy, no matter if people thought I was.
My family says I have changed in this past year. Well, I have. I didn't like my life before. I was the type of person who didn't go to church and didn't feel like it. I think it had to do with me still being angry at my dad's passing. I prayed for him to be better, and then he was taken from me. My eyes, I viewed that request differently then what God viewed it. Making him better to God, meant bringing him to heaven where he felt no more pain. Where as to me, I felt....abandoned. I bashed him and yelled.
But then I met Alan, who introduced me to West Wind and going to the connection group. I was a little hesitant. Some of my friends would tell you this, because I would call them up and tell them that I wasn't sure. It took awhile, but then I started feeling comfortable. I went from judging people, to getting to know some wonderful people. For I have NO right to judge. I embraced it all. Now, I feel filled and happy. I try to stay away from judgement and negativity. I don't want it anywhere in my life.
2) I finally know what the word "love" means. This word can not be thrown around. I believe that we throw it around more then we should. Love is more then a feeling. It is an act. You choose to love someone. I chose to love Alan, which we waited 4+ months to say those words to each other. If he would have said them with in the first week or month, I probably wouldn't have taken him seriously.
| “Love is not a feeling. Love is an action, an activity. . .Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. . . . love as the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.....true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, 'Love is as love does'.” | |
M. Scott Peck quotes (American psychiatrist and Author, 1936-2005) Alan and I try to show everyday our love and dedication to one another. We have even taken Brandon's advice and try to "out love" each other. I will do something then he will. It is like a never ending battle, but a good battle at that. Sure, we can get on each others nerves but heck, that happens to everyone. We have also made it a point that if there is some confrontation to resolve it at the end of the night and apologize & say sorry to one another. It has worked thus far. He is one of the men I love. The main one is God. I believe he saved me. Saved me from a life where I was a horrible person. I would point at people and make fun. I would criticize other people for how they were. I would judge everyone because I thought they were judging me. And maybe they were. Now, I am free of that. I have crossed it off and out of my life. 3) I am not perfect, for I make mistakes all the time. Day in and day out. I will never be perfect, and I don't want too. For I make mistakes, so shall I learn from them, and be forgiven. Not just by God, but by others. I am trying to forgive more, but sometimes it seems hard. That is when Alan pointed out this to me: Matthew 18:21-22 |
